I am back

I am back.

There are days when I marvel at things that I should not marvel complained of things that I cannot change and then accept those things as in defeat.

I had that time recently. RA is a bitch disease in case you did not know that. It is an autoimmune  disease that you cannot get away from.

 It is a disease that your body thinks it needs to attack and so it does hurt like a bitch disease. An equitable sharing of itself to all sorts of joints and connective tissue to destruct the body. 

It is a pain in my rear literally and figuratively. When one day you get up and your ankles are so tight they feel like they've been bound, in pain, and will not move. 

You limp and stretch and ice and put heat on and take Advil  and hope it gets better. 

The next day ankles are fine, they're moving again.  It's  like you're the one that is crazy but it's now back in the shoulders, ball/hip socket, hands and wrists or lower back

I've been busting my a$$ for almost a year trying to do this holistically.  It has made a difference,  it is better/somewhat worse, however,  I am better and more knowledgeable for it. 

I've also come to the realization that cold weather and RA do not mix.

 As much as I love cold weather-snow and ice and frosty tundra, it is painful. Coupled with the autoimmune disease, thyroid, hormone issues, gene mutation, malabsorption of nutrients and food. Your body thinks it's constantly starving, losing weight becomes an issue in futility, I can gain muscle mass, I can shrink, I will go down a couple sizes, but the scale will not move. 

So at my weight, A.k.a. thorn in my side, is what it is. 

Cardio works and helps. But heredity is working somewhat against me, and I do have cardiac risk markers now. 

So I have to reduce the scale as well. And yes, healthy is a number that is not always on the scale.  But carrying unhealthy weight is a concern. 

Hence the last couple of months. 

I started accepting defeat accepting that it was not going to get any better,  that my body is failing me in more ways than one and I just came to believe what the enemy was whispering in my ear. 

I meant to work out, sometimes it worked, sometimes it does  not. 

Sometimes, lunges on the inner ball hip socket would make me collapse to the floor. especially frustrating when six months ago it was a non-issue. One year ago it would've never crossed your mind set

The joints and ligaments just did not want to move that day. 

I had some negative things going on in my personal life, and you start thinking I'm in pain, I cannot move, I suck...And off you go down the rabbit hole. 

I kind of knew I was going down the rabbit hole, I did not stop it and I can't say I wanted an out when I got there. 

I wallowed  there for a while, every day I meant to work out, I ate right, I drank Shakeology, I watched my nutrition and took my meds/supplements like a good girl.  But my workout that day might've consisted of a mile walk. if it wasn't raining, if I was lucky.

No strength bearing exercises no skills to support exercises, no building up the muscle mass that had let go. 

Not on purpose, but in a way, I knew I was doing. I just could not seem to get past the-ish

The one very special thing about RA, is you get in these bouts of funk/melancholy/depression. 

You think you have nothing really to be that sad about, but you cannot seem to get out of it. Somehow I had chose this too because I can, because I can't shrink down the next clothing size that I want, because I see all the faults in the mirror, surely I must be failing. 

Maybe I wanted to see what would happen if I ate right, and didn't exercise.

Well, I maintained my weight, cross contaminated myself over Christmas with Christmas cookies and food I shouldn't be eating (who doesn't like holiday food) especially hard with a girl who has food allergies across the spectrum.

I fluctuated within 10 pounds of my weight.  Someday's that was up 2 pounds, Others it was up 5 – 12,  but I maintained around 3 or 4 pounds since Christmas.  

Which I consider that a win.

Alas, the clothes fit a bit tighter, I didn't like the way I was filling  them out, some are still loose, some are snugger, some were looser in other areas, but it was the flab, the shake, the wiggle so to speak. Areas that had been muscle bound and much tighter a few weeks ago. 

Especially the arms, arms are big thing for me, especially as women age, we do not want the turkey wing, the saggy skin, double elbow the bra flab that seems to happen around the armpit area or in the back.  I am dismayed that it is startling to come back. 

Now, I am not happy in this pit, the mud isn't pretty.  

I want back on my journey, now I'm determined to recall muscle memory and hope that my body remembers that.

That's the difference. 

It is being knocked down but not defeated. Not accepting a momentary blip in time to be the defining factor for the rest of your life.

So what I'm going to tell you here in a long drawnout post is: you always have a second chance-you never too old for it. 

Sometimes you need a third fourth or fifth.

Sometimes a new timeout because you have it have a tantrum. 

Sometimes you need to take a break and remember what is important. 

I'm there, I took the personal hits, I let peoples opinions define what I thought about myself.  

Not any more!

I'm back.  Defeat be damned. 

In the past 10 days, I've been concentrating on muscle exercises in my arms and shoulders. Even though it reeeeeaaalllly hurts. 

I've been getting around 10,000+ footsteps every single day and I can tell you now that I crave it. 

It is purely amazing that your body craves exercise. 

You look forward to the rush and the release of endorphins.

I'm starting new accountability  groups, if you want to get 'it' into "life" shape, and you know what I mean by 'it',  join me. 

Jump on the bandwagon.  

I know the pitfalls, I know the excuses, I've lost the weight, I have the stats, you can trust my word. 

I never say anything I do not mean.

What I do it's concentrated exercise in 30 minutes or less, working different muscle groups different days. 

I believe in eating plenty of food to feed and nourish your body, because constricting calories and depriving yourself of food does not work- mentally, physically, metabolically.

If you're interested, and you want to chance, and you believe that my word is, what I say it is, join me.

I highly recommend that you do something and move. 

I've been inactive and 75 pounds heavier. I've been active, gained both muscle mass, and flexibility, I sat in the pig trough and wallowed.  

What I will tell you beyond all circumstances is when you start working on your agility, it is scary how adults let themselves lose innate flexibility. 

You literally stop noticing what your center balance is anymore and that's how trips start happening. 

You start becoming more clumsier and unsure of your movements and questioning even running down a flight of stairs. 

You start over compensating for movements that came with fluidity as a child.

That gives you the inner strength. That makes you feel like you are a serious badass.

That alone gives you confidence. 

If you're thinking about this and even starting to become aware of some issues, do something to change it.

You and your future self are worth it